On being brave

I am tempted to say these past few weeks have been a whirlwind - what with orientation in the woods after flying myself across the country to seemingly start a whole new life, and then moving into a house in an unfamiliar city with people I just met and barely know, and then starting a brand new job in that unfamiliar city. And yes that feels and sounds like a lot writing it all down but in fact it has not felt like a whirlwind at all. Despite being so uprooted from what has always felt familiar to me, I feel strangely rooted. I feel scared and sad and doubtful at times and I certainly miss home but I also feel at ease and brave. I am learning that feeling afraid and feeling brave are things that can coexist.

"Brave" is a word I have come back to time and again because of a note written to me from my mom when I was in high school that described me as such. In times of change and uncertainty, remembering that my mom called me brave makes me feel strong. When I think of bravery the image that comes to mind is a girl standing tall in the middle of a storm. She may be afraid as the wind blows around her and the lightning strikes but she remains grounded despite this fear - she is brave. Brené Brown also speaks and writes on bravery often. I remember one particular story she shared in a podcast, recounting the time she took her daughters to get their ears pierced. The first daughter walked right up to the counter, sat down, and got the piercing done without thinking twice about it. The clerk said she was brave. The second daughter got nervous and decided she did not want to get her ears pierced. The clerk encouraged the second daughter to be brave like her sister, but Brené assured her second daughter that choosing not to get her ears pierced was just as brave. What I took from this story was that bravery is not always a bold act, it's not necessarily doing what feels "scary", and rarely does bravery involve a lack of doubt or fear. Bravery is simply being true to who you are no matter what is happening around you. I imagine myself, in the midst of this storm of change, firmly grounded in my most honest self. And I feel brave.

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My new role is as an Education Support Specialist within a GED program at a non-profit serving unhoused and under-housed youth. I help to manage the education space, tutor as needed for students preparing to take the GED tests, and am currently planning programming activities to be run in the afternoons. Unfortunately a lot of tutoring is teaching to the test, but my hope with afternoon programming is to offer more wholistic supplemental educational experiences for those seeking it (and to have some fun).

The organization uses the term "youth", but in many ways this term feels unfitting, mostly because these so-called "youth" are my same age. Meeting these 18-24 year olds over the past few weeks has felt particularly challenging to me because I can so clearly see myself in them and so quickly compare their experience to mine. Though this has been a difficult aspect of the job, it's also been a blessing. Mainstream thinking tends to associate service with a type of helping and fixing that places the server above those who are receiving. Working with people my own age is a constant reinforcer of the fact that we all share in the same humanity, are all on the same level, and all deserve the same degree of care and respect.

Serving in the heart of downtown Portland has also given me the chance to begin to get to know the city. Marrying "simple living" and city living has proved challenging, but not impossible, and I've actually enjoyed sifting through websites and books to determine the thriftiest ways to enjoy the best of Portland. I'm already loving the abundance of street fairs that the warmer months bring, the constant sight of bikes passing through the city streets, and the funky style of Portland dwellers. And, of course, the access to nature isn't so bad! I was shocked when I got off the train at the "Washington Park" stop within the city only to find myself in what felt like a forest, surrounded by hiking trails and the most beautiful trees. I'm realizing that neighborhood parks around here look a lot different than the ones at home.

I'm trying to balance my urge to jump in with both feet and start running alongside the desire to be intentional and present with each moment I spend here. I'm trying to figure out how to actively engage with the social injustices I encounter at service while not burning myself out all at once. And I'm trying not to try too hard all the time, and to spend some time just being happy.